DIVORCE-SUCCESS
Chaos to Calm

A Spiritual Approach to Divorce

The Four Agreements of Don Miquel Ruiz and Divorce

Don Ruiz explains four spiritual agreements that come from the ancient Toltecs in the context of spiritual principles to apply to living your life. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see how this applies to your divorce?

# 1: “Be Impeccable with Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

The legal aspects of a divorce require that you be truthful in the literal sense. The financial affidavit that you must fill out in divorce says that the information you put down is accurate, under “penalty of perjury”. By speaking the truth, you maintain your credibility with your attorney, the court, and a “custody evaluator” if there is one. The truth tends to come out in the end, so it’s good to be honest.

The Colorado statute mentions the ability to share the love and affection that is partly created by not speaking ill of the other parent. When a parent goes on a campaign to “bad mouth” the other parent is could be “parental alienation.’ By speaking kindly and truthfully, you help your kids have a healthy relationship with the other parent. Of course, you could examine what is “the truth.” I’ve heard some parents wanting to tell their children about a spouse’s affair because it was “the truth.” I don’t think that’s the idea here.

On the spiritual level, when you speak the truth you start to become sensitive to when others are not speaking the truth to you. Taking the “high road” keeps your integrity intact. You can move forward through your divorce by moving towards love. Some religions describe God as “Truth.” In speaking the truth, you align yourself with the Divine.

# 2: “Don’t take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

Have you ever heard of the “second arrow” in Buddhist thought? There are the actions of others…but then we injure ourselves with what we do with it. Besides, really, it is not personal! Try thinking this way and notice where your thoughts take you.

Examine your thoughts carefully. For example, “My spouse doesn’t love me.” could become “I am unlovable.” when that is really not the case!

Sometimes we pick a spouse who is inappropriate/unhealthy for us because of childhood hurts or unfinished business. Once that relationship is in place, a whole cascade of relationship problems follow, many of which are beyond your control and your ability to “fix.”
Examine what you are projecting onto your spouse that he/she should not take personally either.

If your spouse has a criticism of you, you can choose to examine it to see if it holds some truth for you. Taking too much responsibility for a problem disempowers the other person; taking too little responsibility means loosing an opportunity to grow. Either tends to make a relationship dysfunctional.

#3: “Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”

What if you look at your marriage and divorce as the manifestation of exactly what you ordered? I can imagine that might go against your feelings of having been wronged. The interesting thing is that if you look at things this way, wisdom is likely to arise. Just try it as an experiment.

What is it that you really want now for your life? What do you really want in terms of your future relationships? Take some time to write it out and list the specifics.

If you carefully examine your thoughts, you will discover that you, like everyone, are making lots of assumptions, even if they are subtle. For example, if someone has hurt you badly, you may assume that others that are similar in superficial characteristics will hurt you again. Perhaps you will close off or tense up around people you perceive that way.

#4: “Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”

Everyone makes mistakes in marriage, relationships and divorce. What if you look kindly on yourself and realize that given who you were and what you knew at the time, you did your best? See how sweet that is?

What is your spouse also did his/her best with who they were and what they knew at the time? It’s nice to rest in that place of kindness.

If you absolutely know that you did your best in your marriage and it still didn’t work out, you can move forward in your divorce with a clear conscience.

Create habit of doing your best in everything that you do in your divorce and in your life and in this way you will become someone who attracts trust and respect.

2008 Copyright. All rights reserved. Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C.

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