Emotional Intimacy

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Think about it. You were born knowing how to be intimate. You were born open, trusting and primed for intimacy. You loved to be touched, you never doubted that you were loved, you thrived on closeness. Unfortunately, for almost all of us, that state did not last. We experienced emotional neglect, traumas large and small, the bumps and tragedies of life. In the healthiest scenario, these painful experiences teach us wisdom, this person is trustworthy and that person is not (not confusing the two). So the journey to intimacy involves a reconnection with our natural innocence protected by our judgment, honed by experience.

Do you know that farm life can teach us about emotional intimacy? The following observations are easy to identify but more challenging to put into practice. They also recycle through during a relationship.

Fertilize and prepare the soil: This is your inner work to become the best you in every area of your life including: physical health, emotional health, professional success (as you see it), inner peace, public service, finances, parenting, etc. Obviously, no one is perfect in every area. Just do the best you can and keep moving towards your goals knowing that you are working towards an intimate relationship.

Don’t step in the poop: Avoid the things that set you back from intimacy. At every moment we are faced with choices. This means deciding not to get further involved with someone you know is not good for you. Get the support you need to help you make the right ones.

Choose good quality seeds: You may be doing everything right, but if you choose a partner who is has a low IQ (intimacy quotient) the likelihood of have a successfully intimate relationship drops dramatically. In some ways, this is the most important step.

Plant the right crop for the soil and season: You may pick a fantastic person for a partner, but are they right for you? Remember, it’s the Combination of you two together that counts.

Water when necessary: The intimacy in your relationship must be maintained by loving actions on a daily basis. Find ways to surprise, delight and nourish your partner and do them often! Identify what works for you and communicate that to your partner.

Watch for pests and blight: Challenges happen. Don’t let problems fester. Get help when needed. When you can, proactively know how you will handle tough times.

Wait patiently while it grows: Intimacy is not instantaneous. If you have a partner with a good IQ and you consistently build trust, it may be natural for intimacy to blossom.

Have a place to store the harvest: How large is your container for happiness? Do you have any subconscious programs that limit how happy you can be? Do you need to take care of any self-sabotaging patterns?

Harvest at the right time: Timing is everything. When someone goes for intimacy before the timing is rights, it is perceived as intrusive. That’s picking the crop too early. Not catching the moment is perceived as less interested in intimacy. That’s letting the crop sit in the field and spoil. This is true in the early stages of a relationship, like dating, but it also holds true in long term relationships as they evolve.

Recycle the byproducts: It is possible to have your relationship running so well that what might have been an argument is fodder for more closeness. If something goes amiss, learn from it so you have a deeper understanding.

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C. is a psychotherapist and consultant who specializes in divorce. She can be reached at sattarakaur@comcast.net or 303-530-7080. copyright 2009. Her website contains a variety of articles related to divorce: divorce-success.com

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