How to Tell the Children about the Divorce
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Introduction: The moment that you tell your children about the divorce will probably be indelibly etched in their minds. It may alter their sense of self, their understanding of relationships, and even alter the course of their lives. It is worth putting some thought, preparation and skill into it. If you can work well together, I recommend that you tell them together, but only after you have carefully planned your joint presentation so you are on the same page. If you are in doubt about something, I suggest that you wait and consider it some more. Once you say something, it’s hard to erase it from a child’s mind. These suggestions should be tailored to your children’s ages and personalities.
Children wonder about the concrete aspects of their lives: Explain the logisitics of their new life. How will they get to school? Can they call the other parent? What will happen at Christmas or other holidays?
Children are keen observers of the subtle cues of the parents: The more internal work you as the parent can do to process the divorce and the more at peace you are with it, the easier your children will handle it. It’s okay to have human feelings, no one wants you to be a robot. But if you overwhelmed by your feelings, your children will feel burdened, may feel they have to caretake you, and thus be distracted from maturing through their own process. Your affect may well be more important than the words you use.
Children can derive lifelong negative messages from the divorce: What are their questions about the divorce? As you talk with the children about the divorce, think about what lessons they are likely to hear (or misunderstand). For example, some kids might wonder if the divorce is their fault. Some ask if it’s possible to love someone and then stop (thinking of themselves). Could your children be drawing the following conclusions from what they hear from you? “Don’t trust men/women.” “Marriage doesn’t work.” “Life is unpredictable.” “Kids need to take care of the emotions of their parents.”
Children can derive lifelong positive messages from the divorce: Help your children do better under these difficult circumstances by sending these messages: “As a family we can deal with difficult emotions.” “Conflict can be handled with clarity and grace.” “Your parent is strong, capable and independent.” “Even though our life has changed, what’s most important is our closeness with each other and our happiness.” “Your parents will always love you even though their relationship has changed.”
Children often know more than we think: Use this as an opportunity to validate their reality testing. “You have probably noticed that there is a lot of tension in the house.” Or “You may have noticed that we have not speaking much (or have been fighting a lot) for quite some time.”
Children want and need a relationship with both parents: Avoid blaming one spouse. Here’s an example. You might want to say: “We are getting a divorce because your mom/dad doesn’t want to be married anymore.” Although you may have good reason to be angry, it’s harmful to your child to damage his/her relationship with the other parent, as this statement is likely to do. Children hear your complaints about the other parent as complaints about themselves. And you don’t want to add to the loss of divorce with the partial, emotional “loss” of a parent. The reality of the marital relationship may be much more complex than the above statement. Telling a child to blame the other parent invites that parent to defend themselves and perhaps say negative things about you. Speaking negatively about the other person often backfires sooner or later. The child may be angry at your for placing them in the middle. Later in life your adult child may come to understand the destructiveness of the comment. Remember that research has shown that the major predictor of your children’s adjustment to divorce is the degree of conflict between the parents.
Children need continuity: When you can, stress how their lives post-divorce will have continuity. (This may not necessarily mean living in the same house, however.) Continuity might include keeping the same school, friends, pets, activities, family traditions, and of course, most importantly, their relationship with both parents.
Children experience lots of different feelings: Ask what they are feeling about the divorce and let them know that is normal. They might be feeling anger, fear, sadness, indifference, confusion, relief, etc. There is no one right way to feel and let them know they will probably feel different things at different times as they move through the process of divorce adjustment.
Children have unique, personal emotional reactions. Remind them that each will experience the divorce in their own way, with their own style and at their own rate. One child might be sad while their sibling is angry.
Children need help over time to process the divorce: Invite them to keep talking to you about how they are doing. Sometimes it helps to check in with them.
Children need to know that the differences in the spouses’ relationship are normal: Explain that they will notice that the parents will relate to each other differently than before. For example, after the divorce the parents will be co-parents and not intimate partners. Affirm for them that they will notice differences.
Children need predictability: Help your children experience a sense of predictability in their lives. They should know and understand the parenting schedule so they can anticipate and prepare for shifting from one residence to the other. Major surprises are unsettling and disrupt a child’s sense of order in the world.
Children need healthy outlets for their feelings: It’s a good idea for children to be engaged in activities that provide them with opportunities to express themselves and to feel empowered. These might include music, sports, arts, martial arts, psychotherapy, etc.
Children don’t want to be in the middle: Keep your children out of the middle of your relationship with your ex-spouse. Don’t ask them to relay messages. If they convey something about the other parent or household, take it with a grain of salt and consider fact-checking it with the other parent before reacting. Sometimes children, in the spirit of investigation and experimentation, will see if they can get a reaction from you with a comment. Empower your children to remind you that they don’t want to hear anything negative about the other parent (in those rare moments when you might slip).
Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C., copyright 2007
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