“I hate you mom (dad).”

“I hate you mom (or dad).” Parental Alienation: What you can and cannot do about it.

These words can cut through the heart of any parent. You ask, “What happened to my sweet baby? And what does this communication mean in the context of my divorce?”

Your child comes back to your home and spews out venom directed at you. It’s unfair. You may not be a perfect parent, but you certainly don’t deserve this! You may ask yourself, “Am I really such a bad parent? Has my child become a ‘Trojan horse’ for the other parent?”

You may be seeing what many professionals call “parental alienation”, a form of brainwashing. It’s quite a shock to the “target parent” who may react with his/her own anger or confusion.

Here are just some of the possible causes of the “I hate you.”:

1) Your ex-spouse is angry with you (for the divorce, for asking for child support, you name it…) and uses the children for revenge. This can be done with a verbal campaign of negativity towards you. It can even be done without words. (For example, the child makes a disrespectful comment about you and your ex-spouse says nothing or slightly smiles.)

2) Your child is actually angry with the other parent (your ex-spouse) but transposes the anger onto you because it is safer with you.

3) Your child’s anger is related to something else entirely such as: anxiety about school, being bullied, losing something, and is venting inappropriately.

4) Your child is going through a developmental phase and is trying to establish independence… in an immature way.

5) There is something you can improve on in your parenting and your child’s reaction is poorly expressed and/or exaggerated. It could be even something that you didn’t intend to do.

In short, it may or may not be true parental alienation.

These are the telltale signs of real parental alienation:

1) Your child’s negative attitudes represent a noticeable change and are freely expressed.

2) Your child has no guilt for treating the target parent with contempt and disrespect.

3) The explanations for the hatred or fear are trivial, irrational and out of proportion.

4) The child’s views of the parents are black and white, one parent is ideal and the target parent is terrible.

5) As situations arise, the child automatically takes the side of the favored parent without exercising independent thinking.

6) The child may use adult phrases including legal phrases.

7) The child professes that the rejection of the target parent is his/her own independent idea, denying the influence of the alienating parent.

8) There is hatred by association. Even the friends and relatives of the target parent are seen negatively, even if the child has had a positive relationship with them in the past.

Here are just some of actions you can consider taking:

1) Do what you can if there is the opportunity to decrease conflict between you and your ex-spouse. Support your child’s right to love both parents. (It’s different in cases of severe abuse, of course).

2) Encourage your child to communicate openly with you. Calmly challenge the lies. Celebrate their independent thinking in daily life. Help the child practice assessments of people in their life that include their realistic strengths and challenges and notice that having ambivalent feelings is normal.

3) Model appropriate, adult and caring behaviors for your child.

4) Find ways to show your child you love him/her, using the “love language” of the child, that is, find activities that are deeply meaningful, fun or fulfilling from the child’s point of view.

5) When possible, keep records of events, who witnessed them, etc. The Courts and evaluators need to see evidence to understand what is happening. (Even then, unfortunately, what the legal system can do is fairly limited).

Here are some things to think about in your individual processing (the part of the situation under your control). Try these on for size and then you can decide which ones, if any, are starting points for your own personal inquiry:

Before you say anything to your child about the other parent, ask yourself if you are convinced that it will benefit the child. And if your ex-spouse wants you to look bad, don’t make it easier for that to happen!

Find ways to stand up for yourself. It’s healthy to have self-respect and appropriate to help your child learn or remember how to treat you well.

It’s appropriate to give your child a reality check. If your child is ready, give the child facts and encourage them to assess the situation for themselves and use his/her critical thinking skills. This is done in the context of allowing and encouraging the child to love both parents.

Keep the door open for the future and don’t burn bridges. This is especially true for older children with whom you have been trying for years. You never know when there might be a future opening. At the same time (and this is incredibly challenging) you can practice letting go.

Examine if you are projecting your own unfinished business unto the child. There is no parent who completely avoids doing this; we are all imperfect parents.

Work on refining communication of the truth of the moment, even your ambivalence. For example, “When you say that it hurts my feelings. I’m wondering if you can help me understand more about how you feel and what you need.”

Have limited expectations and keep calm. You can only do your part. Get support, this is not easy! Focus on what you need to nourish and replenish yourself.

Expect that your child’s responses will be all over the map. The alienation may have been going on for years and it will not be quickly undone. Set yourself for the possibility that it may be a long haul.

You will probably experience ambivalence: stepping away vs. continued connection as a parent, feeling angry vs. being loving, etc. Know that these are normal responses.

Remember that you may be the one sane/mature person in the child’s life and you can continue to act as a loving touchstone, even when the child is acting the worst. Remember that on some level, you child knows (or will eventually know) that you love him or her.

This is your opportunity to work on yourself, expect imperfection and try again. Practice centeredness as part of your spiritual practice. Appreciate yourself for all the goodness and kindness you offer. That is, don’t derive your self-worth from your child.

Finally, perhaps it might be helpful to think of this challenge as one your soul signed up for. This is a healthier frame than feeling victimized by the unfairness.

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC, copyright 2011. For more information visit: SatTaraTherapy.com and divorce-success.com or call 303-530-7080.