Is Collaborative Divorce Right for You?

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THE FIVE PILLARS OF COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

This assessment tool focuses on five areas of functioning; each is important for the collaborative process to be successful. You are assessing both yourself and your spouse.

IMPORTANT POINTS TO REMEMBER:

• This assessment should be revisited during parts of the process and even different moods.
• This assessment can help give language to your concerns
• Remember, actions over a period of time speak much louder than words.
• A common thread that runs through all five aspects is the capacity for insight and introspection.
• Be brutally honest. But of course, no one is perfect!
• A weak area may simply indicate the need for more support, education, clarity, or careful planning.

1) EMOTIONAL RESILIENCE

DESCRIPTION: Although you or your spouse may be upset, what is a more important predictor of the ability to successfully engage in the CL process is “emotional resilience.” Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of emotional resilience in yourself and your spouse.

What is the level of emotional pain?
Is the upset chronic or acute? (E.g., is the depression only since the separation or is there a longstanding history of depression?)
How long does the upset last?
How strong is the external support system?
How about inner resources?
What is the psychological history?
What is the history of personal strength?
How do you or your spouse behave when frustrated?

What to do if this area is weak: Make sure there is strong support in the form of friends, family, a coach, a therapist. Understand the “trigger points” and develop specific strategies to deal with them. Understand the limitations and work around them. Take breaks when you feel you need them.

2) EMPATHETIC CAPACITY

DESCRIPTION: The ability to empathize with each other and to see things from the other person’s point of view will help you predict the likelihood of reaching mutually satisfactory, or mutually satisfying, agreements. Remember, you do not have to agree with each other, but it is very helpful to understand how the other person is feeling. What is the ability of each of you to think and act as a team, especially on behalf of your children? Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of empathetic capacity in yourself and your spouse.

Can you each explain the other person’s perspective during the marriage?
Do you understand your spouse’s rationale for wanting or not wanting the divorce, even if you do not agree with their perspective?
How is your spouse feeling now?
What do each of you need to feel emotionally safe and supported?
How are the children doing?
What do your children need to feel emotionally safe and supported?

What to do if this area is weak: People empathize better when they feel safe and understood, so make sure this is in place first. Sometimes people can empathize better when there is some distance between them or after time has passed. If someone still has difficulty, discuss the issues in terms of their broader self-interest.

3) COGNITIVE CLARITY

DESCRIPTION: The collaborative process requires you to understand and discuss complicated issues while sitting in the same room as your ex-to-be. Emotions sometimes run high. With support, can you each think clearly enough under these circumstances to function well and make decisions with far-reaching consequences? And if you or your ex-to-be does get rattled, how long does it last if you have support? How well is new information incorporated? Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of cognitive clarity in yourself and your spouse.

How comfortable do you each feel dealing with legal and financial issues?
What are your goals regarding parenting and finances? Your spouse’s?
How did you each arrive at your goals?
When you or your spouse gets new accurate information, how easy is it to appropriately modify goals (cognitive flexibility)?
How do you best take in information (by seeing it or hearing it, for example)?
Would either of you like meetings to be limited to two hours or can you both hold your focus for longer periods?
Are there physical disabilities, such as head injuries, or developmental disabilities?
Is anyone on medication, such as anti-depressants?

What to do if this area is weak: It is often helpful to go over complicated information between meetings when there is less time pressure. Make sure you feel free to ask questions, and to see the information written down, especially in the form of charts, maps or tables. Know your limits and don’t try to make decisions when you are stressed or tired.

4) PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT

DESCRIPTION: The collaborative process asks a lot of you and your spouse: you must be able to sit together in the same room, express your needs and point of view, and sometimes assert yourselves. To what degree do you or your spouse feel victimized? Does each of you take at least some responsibility for the ending of the relationship? Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of personal empowerment in yourself and your spouse.

How do you feel about being in the same room as your ex-to-be?
Has there been any domestic violence or emotional abuse?
Length of marriage? Age at marriage? Is there a history of living independently?
Who holds what kind of power in the relationship?
What are your fears going forward?
Do you or your spouse typically blame others for difficulties in life?

What to do if this area is weak: Make sure there are enough supports in place to address any power imbalances. Have a clear understanding of the type of power you wield, even if you haven’t been aware of it. If the domestic violence was severe, collaborative law is inappropriate for you.

5) INTEGRITY

DESCRIPTION: In Collaborative Law, the goal is to “take the high road” and to have transparent discussions. What is your ability to maintain your boundaries, to hold to your identity, and to keep in touch with your needs and values? How about your spouse? Does the financial history tell you anything about the ability to keep agreements? To what extent is anyone addicted to anything? Here are some questions to help you gauge the level of integrity in yourself and your spouse.

How are you and your spouse at keeping agreements, even when the going gets rough?
In what ways do you trust/distrust your spouse?
Have there been any affairs?
What are your goals for this divorce?
What would you like your relationship to be after the divorce?
Has anyone struggled with alcohol or drugs?
What pulls you or your spouse off center?
Are there any secrets in this case?

What to do if this area is weak: If integrity is weak, it’s important to have clear written agreements with outlined consequences. Be realistic about what you are asking of yourself or your spouse. Understand what will make it hard for you or your spouse to follow through with an agreement. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, M.S., L.P.C., copyright 2006

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