Why Do Couples Fight?
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I have heard people say that it is “normal” and “healthy” for couples to fight. Is it possible to not fight and not stuff feelings? Why do couples fight? What can be done about it?
Please note: there are causes for conflict not addressed in this article, such as spousal abuse, addiction, personality disorders, extreme trauma, etc. These are more serious and involve extensive therapeutic intervention.
Here are the 9 reasons couples argue, as well as some thoughts about other options:
1) Fighting can be a way to create connection, similar to the way an ignored child might act up to gain attention. This is called “negative intimacy”. For a spouse who feels consistently emotionally neglected, they think, at least in a fight there is some interaction. I like to call it a new form of “Attention Deficit Disorder”. It is helpful if the need for attention and connection can be recognized for what it is, requested from the other person, openly received, and responded to with rejoicing. I call it the 4 R’s: recognition, request, receiving, and rejoicing.
2) Fighting can also create distance between people, especially if it is unresolved. It can be a way to push the other person away. Sometimes that occurs because intimacy has long been associated with emotional pain so that creating a fight is a way to feel safe just when intimacy is looming. It can also be because more private time is needed, more space between the two people. John Gray refers to the male need for this as “cave time”. It is how some people renew themselves and is actually healthy. However, it’s more peaceful to identify the need and simply create the space without creating the conflict.
3) Sometimes a fight is about “relationship baggage”. The guy has been leaving his dirty laundry for the wife to pick up for months and she picks it up without saying anything. Underneath, her resentment is building. Finally, one day he leaves a pair of socks on the floor and she blows up at him. Yes, this is not only about socks, it can be about sex, money, hurtful behavior, etc. It takes some time, energy, cooperation and courage to sit down and start to work through some of the old baggage you each carry.
4) Arguments can arise when one or both feel plain old grumpy. This can arise from physical stress such as being overly tired, hungry, PMSy, etc. It can arise from emotional stress such as being upset about something outside the relationship, finances, etc. The trick here is to identify and take responsibility for the stress and not put it on the other person. It can be effective to say, “I’m in a foul mood and I could sure use some support in the form of ….” Avoiding an argument requires that you distinguish between what is yours, the other person’s, or the communication between you two.
5) Your individual responsibility for conflict can also relate to feelings that get triggered by the other person’s behavior. Let’s say that your partner comes home from work and requests alone time to process a tough day. This reminds you of a parent who was typically emotionally withdrawn. All of a sudden, you are flooded with the same feelings of emotional abandonment that you experienced as a child. You react to those old feelings rather than the present behavior of your partner. It is helpful for you both to learn to recognize how you each get triggered so you can not lay it on the other person. It’s even better if you can develop strategies to help each other through these emotional flare ups.
6) Sometimes we take things personally that really don’t deserve to be understood that way. Here you want to be careful of taking too much responsibility. The technical name is “introjection”. It means too often you think it is your fault when it is not. This is especially prevalent in co-dependent relationships. It is healthy to understand that by taking too much responsibility you actually do a disservice to the other person and limit their growth.
7) Arguments can be an attempt to get the other person to change behavior you don’t like. Unfortunately they are not very effective because the other person feels attacked and is less motivated to change or feels less able to change. Or the other person changes but then resents it. Here are some questions to ask yourself: Have you clearly identified the changes you are requesting? Does your partner see the situation the same way… or do you understand each other’s point of view? Is the person able and willing to make this change? Is it a request rather than a demand, that is, does the other person feel free to say “no”? What is your plan if the other person is unable or unwilling to change? Can the problem be solved in another way?
8) Conflict can arise from unrealistic expectations. For example, if your spouse is unusually shy and you love to go to parties, that pattern may not change. If you are athletic and love to be outdoors and your spouse is a bookworm, that may be a difference you can learn to work around. Are you expecting your partner to be other than who they are? I also like to acknowledge that sometimes a quality I don’t like in someone is the flip side of a quality I do like. For example, if your spouse works long hours and provides well financially, it comes with the territory that they will have less time for the family.
9) Sometimes an argument grows out of a misunderstanding, one that may be simple or complex. Are you using words in the same way? Was your agreement with the other person clear at the beginning? It is a good idea to check your understanding of a problem at the beginning of an upset.
Why go through all this trouble to avoid fighting? To create a peaceful relationship where both partners feel free to be themselves, openly express their feelings and thoughts, open their hearts, and relax. Aaaahhhhh!
Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC, copyright 2009, all rights reserved. 303-530-7080, divorce-success.com