DIVORCE-SUCCESS
Chaos to Calm

Your Child’s Reaction to Divorce

YOUR CHILD’S REACTION TO DIVORCE

 By Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC

I am writing this article to help parents understand their child’s possible reactions to divorce. In my experience as a psychotherapist, mediator and divorce consultant, I have often heard parents say their child doesn’t seem very affected by the divorce and is doing “just fine”.   I certainly agree that some children do better with a divorce than others.  I would like to give you some food for thought about what your child may be going through and a deeper understanding of the underlying reasons for their behavior.

I have also heard parents interpret their child’s distress and misbehaviors in various ways that may or may not be correct. Have you ever wondered why your child is behaving in surprising ways and whose fault it is? This article may shed some light on just what your child may be going through.

Years ago, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlined five stages that grieving people go through following a death or a serious medical diagnosis.  They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Here is how these five stages could be relevant to your child’s experience of divorce.

DENIAL:  “I feel fine.” or “This can’t be happening, not to me.” Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual.  It’s the mind’s way of calculating just how much it can handle and putting aside issues it is not ready to handle.

During this phase your child may not be exhibiting any distress or strong feelings about the divorce.  It can also appear as indifference. It’s tempting for a parent to want to readily believe that all is well because the divorce is demanding so much of them.

ANGER: “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, a child recognizes that the divorce is real and that their old life has permanently changed.  The initial denial is gone.

During this phase, your child may be full of rage and blame and may be acting out either at home, school or both.  He or she may choose to act out with the parent whom they believe can handle it.  If this phase happens to occurs during another event, such as a move, a new school, a new significant other, something other than the divorce may appear to be the cause of their anger.  Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t…more information is needed.

BARGAINING:  Your child may be thinking, “If I’m really good (smart, clever, needy, etc.) maybe I can bring my parents back together.” Or your child may be thinking, “I understand this is happening, I think I can change it, I want to try.”

During this phase, your child may embark on life-long patterns of behavior in an unconscious attempt to control the divorce and its aftereffects.  Be alert to these patterns. It’s helpful to remind you child that they didn’t cause the divorce and they can’t fix it.

DEPRESSION” “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “My intact family is no more. What’s the point?”; “I miss my old life.”

During this phase, your child understands the reality of the divorce and may spend time crying and grieving. Their efforts to fix things have failed. This is process that must be respected so that the grieving can be processed and not be suppressed. This is a good time to provide emotional support and guidance in many forms.

ACCEPTANCE: “It’s going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well get used to my newly configured family”.  This final stage brings peace and understanding.

During this phase, your child can put the divorce on the back burner and fully focus on other developmental tasks, school, and life challenges.Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross claimed these steps do not necessarily come in the order noted above, nor are all steps experienced by everyone, though she stated a person will always experience at least two. Often, people will experience several stages in a “roller coaster” effect—switching between two or more stages, returning to one or more several times before working through it.It’s important for the parent not to force the process.  The process is highly personal and should not be rushed, or lengthened.

Copyright 2010, all rights reserved. For more information contact
Sat Tara Kaur Khalsa, MS, LPC at 303-530-7080, SatTaraTherapy.com,
divorce-success.com, or sattarakaur@comcast.net

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